Last Chance for a Thousand Years

Graduation today.

I am officially an (almost) attorney.

Over and out.

Impossible Requests and Other Red Herrings

“You must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest. With... a herring!”
- Monty Python and the Holy Grail

When Ali and I were at EPCOT, I bought the official Disney World Resort album. It has all the ride music from all the greats - Splash Mountain, Space Mountain, the Haunted Manison, the Tower of Terror, France, Oh Canada, and my brand-new favorite ride, Soarin’. Some contend that the worst part about exams is the hour or so before you take the thing. I disagree - the worse time is 2am the night before when you wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night wondering if you adequately parsed through the language of 15 USC § 1052 so that in twelve hours or so you would be able to adequately regurgitate the general principles qualifying a potential trademark for registration in your Trademarks and Unfair Competition course. In some ways I am most nervous about this exam because, although it was my favorite course, it was also taught by my favorite professor at the law school, so I don’t want to turn in an essay that makes me look like a moron. I’ll never forget the first time I was in his class (Property, first semester as a 1L - forever and a half ago) and he referenced a “John Cleese-like character” prowling about in the bushes. And then, later in the semester, he quoted from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, when the prince’s father motions out the window and says, “Son, soon this will all be yours!” and the son replies, “What, the curtains?” He’s the greatest. Watch him fail me and prevent me from graduating after I’ve spent all this time singing his praises.

It’s an hour to the Trademarks exam. I’m listening to the soundtrack from Soarin’ on a repeat loop to keep myself calm. I got to the exam room two hours early to get my favorite chair, only to have them relocate us to a different room because some wuss complained the Auditorium (my favorite place to take exams) was “too cold.” Boo-hoo. Now someone beat me in the foot-race to the new room and I lost my favorite spot. I hope this is not indicative of things to come.

Vertical & Breathing

“And that, my liege, is how we know the earth to be banana-shaped.”
- Monty Python and the Holy Grail

I was sitting in a classroom all alone when this milquetoast Korean girl tapped on the door and asked if she could join me. She commented that “There’s people everywhere!” I don’t understand this penchant for studying at night. I’m up at the crack of dawn, and the time I study best is 7am (perhaps why high school suited me). I start to lose it around 8 and am ready for bed by 9. By Sex and the City’s standards, that makes me a senior citizen.

Out in the hallway a couple is having an argument. Ahh, the bliss of dating. Is now really the time, guys? While the rest of us normal people are attempting to enlighten ourselves to a level sufficient to secure passage out of the law school and into the next stage of our existence? Couldn’t you take this outside?

I’ve decided I despise complex litigation. Can’t we all just get along? Everybody just follow the bloody rules and we won’t have to deal with all this.

I am sooooo tired...

Eight Belles

Carrie: So you’re a pessimist, right?
Miranda: Have we met?
- Sex and the City

Arrrrrrrgh. Down to three days, now. I’m so nervous, it’s like there’s something pawing around inside my stomach. I want to throw up. Or go home and lay down. I’m losing my focus... help! Ahhhh! Must focus! Need to focus! Think, girl, think!

I sure hope I pass everything.

That poor filly, Eight Belles... she ran so brilliantly in the Derby, only to collapse after the wire? Seems awfully suspicious. I think there’s something to the story we’re not privy to, like a recurring injury or an inherent flaw or some sort of preexisting defect. It’s like the was injured from the start, or even before the race, but ran anyway because that’s what she’s trained to do and it’s in her blood, but as soon as the jockey started pulling her up after the wire, she just gave out because the adrenaline was no longer urging her along. Hope the same thing doesn’t happen to me. What a race, though. Wonder if Big Brown really has what it takes to go the Triple Crown? He certainly seemed fresh enough after the race, bucking his jockey off (nice touch, that). I thought the horse’s name was a reference to Man o’ War’s nickname Big Red, but it turns out they named the horse after Fed Ex. How ridiculous. Has everything become commercialized, now?

Out Looking for a Shrub

“Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.”
“Yes, but it isn’t just saying, ‘no, it isn’t.’”
“Yes, it is.”
“No, it isn’t!”
- Monty Python, the Argument Clinic sketch

. . . 4 days . . .

I am SO sick of studying, I could spontaneously combust.

Saw Spamalot again on Friday.... I could watch that thing every night for the rest of my life and never stop laughing. My absolute favorite part is when King Arthur asks the Lady of the Lake her real name and she says “Guenivere,” then one of the knights goes, “Holy shit!” and they all walk offstage. I also loved when the King said “No, it’s a symbol,” and someone in the orchestra crashed the cymbal. Oh, and the Lady of the Lake singing “Diva’s Lament (Whatever Happened to my Part?)” : “I’m with a bunch of English knights prancing ‘round in wooly tights; I might as well go to the pub, they’re out looking for a shrub....” Oh, forget it, I adored the entire thing.

But... four more days of school! Graduation on Saturday! Rah rah rah! I’ll be - oh, wait, I won’t be a lawyer. I’ll be a moron qualified to begin studying for the bar exam. Sigh. One step closer, anyhow.

“Out of nine lives, I’ve spent seven. How in the world do you get to Heaven? Oh, you don’t know the shape I’m in....” I love the Band. Have I mentioned that recently? Definitely have to fall asleep watching The Last Waltz tonight, even if JRR is a conceited butthead who hogs all the camera time.

Exam Day #2

“Oh, sorry; I see we’ve entered the no-humor zone.”
- Lorelai, Gilmore Girls

So how’s this for statistics? I can’t believe it. Approximately 5% of all people who graduate from high school go on to achieve a master’s degree... and 2, count ‘em, 2% go on to get a doctorate. I can’t believe it. Two percent. I might amount to something yet!

...of course, that’s presuming I pass everything. Last night we had a monster storm so I should have slept very well, but we kept having these patches of hail that would slam against the window and jolt me to attention. Then I’d hear a police car siren, and be thankful that Jordan was tucked safely inside a garage instead of out there being subjected to the elements. So my anticipated slumber did not proceed quite as well as I had hoped. I am sooooo tired.

As a bit of a distraction I did an online quiz about the US and it turns out I’m not the absolute moron I had anticipated - I only got two wrong (of course, I suppose the inhabitants of said states would contest that my incorrect answers amounted to unforgivable ignorance, but whatever). Turns out the state bird of WI is, of course, the robin, and IL is the Cardinal (along with six other states; how original). Our state flower is the wood violet, IL’s is the violet; our animal the badger, IL’s the white-tailed deer (which I think would fit us much better, as I have yet to see one in this state, but that’s me). Our state tree is the sugar maple (how pretty!), IL’s the white oak (verrrry appropriate, as they surround the law school and deposit acorns mercilessly on my innocent vehicle in the fall). Our state insect is the honeybee (just ask my arm), IL’s the monarch butterfly (how cool! good choice; bravo). And in conclusion, may I pose the inquiry: why is Kentucky’s state animal the gray squirrel? What idiot decided that?!

In other local news... Derby Day on Saturday! Go Eight Bells! Let’s have a filly win! There’s only ever been three: Regret in 1915, Genuine Risk in 1980 and Winning Colors in 1988. But let’s not forget that Winning Colors was a big gray, too! Unfortunately, the three prior winners had all proven themselves against colts prior to the Derby, and Eight Bells hasn’t... plus, she is in post five, which is not ideal... oh, well. I have Winning Colors’ run on my youtube favorites - she shot straight to the lead under Gary Stevens, and held it wire to wire. She was the horse who began D. Wayne Lucas’ winning streak. Sigh.

Hmmm...

“I could hear my soul dying.”
-Logan from Gilmore Girls, after a business meeting

I woke up almost perfectly at 3am (insert the mb20 song tinkling in the background here). Unwilling or unable to subject myself to the ritualistic torture that is lying in bed silent, staring at the ceiling, I wandered out to my balcony to stare at the other apartment buildings and wonder about their inhabitants. Surprisingly, I encountered several illuminated windows. I wonder how many of them are law students?

This is going to sound really strange, and I don’t know where it came from all of a sudden, but I feel really badly about the Jude guys. I wish I knew how they were doing, or where they were, or something. All three are planning to appeal, and at least two are acquiring new representation for the new trial... maybe I’ll go to them, when they come ‘round. Or maybe it’s best to make a clean break; I can’t decide. I didn’t go to the sentencing because I assumed I wouldn’t be able to deal with it psychologically, and considering the news press I read about the judge’s rulings and the events that ensued, I think I made an accurate presumption. I wonder how the one who got off is doing; I don’t know why you’d want your job back after that debacle, but I suppose it’s like that character at the beginning of Hannibal - you go around the world, see the sights and prospects, and return to the same crap you know. The entire proceedings reminded me of the three-ring circus in Chicago - a lot of pomp, circumstance and bollocks. I did not believe anyone’s assertions and did not consider the levy of punishments proportionate to the supposed crimes. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to forget them. I’m told this happens to every attorney, though. Supposedly it’s normal, and you never forget the defendants in your first major federal court case, even if you did not really know them and they scarcely knew you existed.